Selfish x Selfless
by HanaritsuKrizza
Summary: Killua accepted the reality that he was just as damaged as Gon was, that his mind was as corrupted as Gon's, that he was as crazy for him as Gon was for Killua.


N/A: I don't know, this is a little fucked up but I love it anyway. Please read at your own risk.

 _I do not own Hunter x Hunter._

* * *

 ** _..._**

"Killua! Let's have breakfast!"

Killua was just intending to get more sleep as he found a good position that would both relax his head and his cramping muscles when he heard the cheery voice outside the room. He furrowed his eyebrows while rustling through the sheets and pretending he didn't hear the call, but the greasy yet still appetizing smell of the food wafting in the air and the protesting growl of his own stomach ruined his plans for the morning. Groaning, he lifted himself up, eyes still half-closed, as he slowly planted his feet on the floor. He trod lightly, trying to create as little sound as possible as _his_ chains made contact with the wooden surface.

It was cold, again. Although it wasn't much of a disturbance for him, the resulting numbness from his fingers and toes bothered him. Walking around the corner, he turned the tap of hot water to ease the chill from his hands as he inspected his reflection on the oval mirror hanging only a foot above the bathroom sink.

 _Too pale, it must be the lack of sun rays._

He didn't have much to complain. There were no visible bags under his eyes and if anything, he looked rather well-rested, except for the unhealthy complexion. Sighing as he finished washing his face, he made his way to the kitchen table where several plates were already arranged.

He pulled out a chair, remembering not to make a mess of tangled chains as he sat on it. There were stacks of poorly-shaped pancakes, an enormous amount of bacon, eggs that were cooked over-easy, jumbo-sized hotdogs, some sort of vegetable salad, bread and muffins which were obviously store-bought, two mugs of piping hot cocoa, and bars of chocolate to complete the most important meal of the day. It was extravagant for two normal people but only to be expected for the two still growing hunters. He heard Gon shuffling through the cabinet while muttering something incomprehensible before placing the bottle of chocolate syrup on the table.

"What do you want to do today?" Gon asked, pulling out another chair and joining him. With an enlightening gleam, he started picking his food and urged Killua to do the same.

Killua stopped midway from sipping his cocoa and contemplated whether or not to answer. It had been a while since he heard that question. Both of them knew, however, that whatever his answer was would unlikely matter because there was only so much he could do with such limited space.

He glanced around the house to find the consoles and other gaming devices scattered under the television set. Beside it was a divider full of tapes and DVDs, half of them still unwatched. On the other side was a small bookshelf with books that Killua actually found interesting more than he'd like to admit. On the sofa sat a portable computer that, to his great dismay, wasn't connected to the internet.

He realized how bored he was getting with those stuffs. He would definitely be pleased if he could step out for a moment. His legs were screaming for an exercise and a good long run sounded quite delightful, maybe a race or two with Gon. Yes, that was indeed ideal. He bet he could still outdo him even with his lack of physical training. Despite the thrill he got from the idea, Killua brushed the thought as quickly as it sparked. There was no point in asking, it would only fall into deaf ears.

He directed his gaze at Gon and tried not to cringe at the way the other looked. His eyes were almost sparkling and his brows, free from creases, were too relaxed as he smiled so naturally as if this was just another day of their vacation, so nonchalantly as if there hadn't been an issue taking place in this house at this very hour, and so innocently as if it was normal to tie your best friend with an impossibly indestructible Nen-powered shackles and keep him at home like a prisoner.

* * *

Two months, three weeks and six days had passed since Killua and Gon reunited at Yorknew City subsequently after parting ways at the World Tree; Two months, three weeks and six days had passed since Killua found himself locked up on this house, bound and secluded from the outside world.

The weather was fairly well the day they met up at the unsurprisingly busy town. People were rustling and bustling left and right and Killua would've missed him if not for the intense gaze boring holes on him. He followed the force pulling him and led him to its source. In front of a distractingly flashy shop stood Gon Freecs, with all his might and glory.

"Killua!"

Killua smirked as he heard that honey-coated voice which he noted was a few octaves lower than he remembered and proceeded to join his friend. Gon's appearance didn't alter much and Killua had been expecting it considering he hadn't gone through quite a transformation, himself. Only, where Killua had become leaner, Gon had become thicker. Killua's features became sharper and Gon's became manlier. They grew taller, too, but only enough for an average teenager. Nevertheless, if Killua was often described as beautiful, though he really preferred a more masculine term, Gon was best defined as handsome.

Their respective auras, however, were different matters. Killua immediately felt it the moment he landed a foot in the city and it made his anticipation boost. While his was graceful and precise but advertently menacing, Gon's aura was matured, refined and undoubtedly strong.

They started the day splendidly. Both of them excited to exchange tales and adventures from when Killua had explored interesting places with his sister, to when Gon had restored his Nen and inculcated himself to be more powerful than ever. And true to his words, Killua could point-blank agree, what with that immense aura oozing from him.

They did a lot of catching up over a table full of different cuisines and plentiful sweets, of course, sweets. At first, Killua was a bit skeptical on how awkward their meeting would be, granted they hadn't seen each other for more than a year. But as they continued to playfully mess around each other, which earned them both amused smiles and irritated gruffs from the people inside the eatery, his doubts were instantly cleared and he was glad that the other teen had yet to graduate from his childish and mischievous behavior.

They also went to an outlying forest to show off new skills they'd acquire through the periods of their training, surprising the other with an incredibly amazing stunt. Chuckling and chortling as they sparred, snorting and smirking as they tussled, laughing and giggling as they brawled, and simply enjoying every second as they made the best out of their time together.

It was supposed to end as great as it began, as well, with both of them promising to meet again next time.

Or so Killua thought.

He hadn't seen it coming. He stupidly hadn't.

Given his nature, it was highly improbable for him to lower his guard even for a split second. But he was with Gon, a best friend he fully trusted. He was here, alive and safe, and he missed the other teen dearly. He was too elated and drunk with glee that he hadn't expected to be hit. So when Gon's hand grazed his neck, hitting a vital point, Killua's mind was in turmoil as he tried to clutch at the little amount of consciousness left in him before he slowly collapsed in the arms of his best friend, motionless like a fine piece of doll.

* * *

With an unknown but unmistakably terrifying feeling of suffocation waking him up, Killua came to his senses but refrained from opening his eyes. His instinct told him to scan his surroundings and check for any possible threat first. When he couldn't sense any aura nearby and concluded that he was alone, he reluctantly opened his eyes, thankful for the lack of light that could blind him for a moment.

The first thing Killua noticed was the dimly lit room he was in. It was neither narrow nor wide. There was a king-sized bed placed in the middle with a tall dresser and a small cabinet table on each side, leaving a compact space for minimal activities. There were no windows, and the only access was the doorway that oddly enough had no door.

The second thing he noticed was the cold metal clinging on his left ankle. The sensation was familiar to him and he promptly prayed to the heavens that he was wrong for once. He was already dreading the fact that he could easily recognize the feeling and the notion of being situated to it, at this crucial time, was giving him nothing but alarming impression.

He willed himself to sit up and to his monumental horror, his fears and suspicions had been uncovered as he saw the very solid and heavy shackle binding him. Attached to it was a particularly long and sturdy chain, with the other end tied somewhere underneath the bed, both looking far from the normal ones. Killua swallowed and came to him were thousands of questions regarding the present issue. For a moment, he thought he was at the underground of the Kukuroo Mountain, confined as he was back on his early childhood and as a reflex, he immediately used extreme force to free himself but the only thing it did was to confirm that it really wasn't a normal skid. When he recalled the previous events of the day, he convinced himself that this was not his home.

 _That's right, I was with Gon._

 _Wait, Gon?!_

Upon remembering, Killua visibly tensed and forced himself to ease the sudden panic surging through his body. He needed to find Gon. He needed to know why he was tied up, why he was here, where was this place, and most of all, why was Gon doing this.

"Gon!" Killua tried calling out even though there was no other presence in the house. He was lost, confused and so very perturbed.

"Gon!" He called again, hoping Gon would miraculously appear in front of him as he decided to exit the room.

What greeted Killua was the sight of a living room, dining room, and kitchen finely organized at a single but extensive space. He found the door and instantaneously walked towards it but soon realized that it was beyond his reach as the chain suddenly stopped his tracks. He growled, frustration evidently building up.

"Gon! What the hell? Where are you?" Killua tried again, to no avail.

 _I swear I'm going to punch this guy!_

There was the sound of a clock ticking and it unnerved Killua more than necessary. Not to mention, the uneasy feeling that suffocated his whole being was still gnawing on him. He couldn't pinpoint it, he wasn't sure how to name it either, but he was certain that it gave him a shudder. He was being stifled, like he was choking but not quite. He wanted to liberate himself from this chains and run away from this place. It wasn't dangerous but it wasn't safe either.

Not wanting to prolong his confinement, he looked over the possible ways that could lead him to his freedom. Killua inspected every corner of the house until he found three windows on each wall that were too small for him to pass and too high for him to climb.

 _Damn! No good, huh._

The only other door he located was the one leading to the bathroom. He opened it and scowled upon seeing that it had no window, only a thin horizontal gap for ventilation. He cursed loudly when the exasperation got to him. He was about to punch the wall when he heard the sound of the door opening. In a mere second, he was face to face with the cause of all his aggravation.

"Gon! What the hell is this? Explain everything!" he demanded as he waited for the other teen to be at a stone's throw away.

"Killua, you're awake." Gon said plainly, too plain to Killua's liking. The raven-haired teen walked pass him and brought the plastic bags he was holding at the kitchen counter, all the while ignoring the heavy tension and growing anger emitting from Killua.

"Don't you dare ignore me!" Killua yelled as he followed him. With his voice now laced with venom, he continued, "Where is this place? And why am I... chained?"

Gon was still explicitly ignoring him, not even facing him as Killua's anger and irritation piled up after another.

"Damnit Gon!" Killua cried and only when his tone was coated with anguish did the other teen face him.

He could've been mistaken, but the glimpse on Gon's face was something Killua had never seen. It gave him a fright. The shine he once had on his eyes were gone, so was the carefree grin he usually sported. He looked distressed and _desperate_.

"Killua, I'm sorry but I need to do this." He said softly, sending Killua to bewilderment.

"Gon... W-what do you mean? I don't understand, why do you need to do this?" Killua's anger faded and was replaced with a serious confusion. He felt Gon's determination stirring him up as he stared at Killua's disoriented expression.

"I need to have you here," the raven-haired responded. "I can't let you leave, again. I need you here." Gon approached him as he began to grip his arms, faintly rocking him in the process.

Killua's eyes widened in shock. The words were simple, they were being spoken carefully, as well. But to him, it was like Gon was talking gibberish. It was so foreign that he couldn't understand at all. They were solely mixing with the already knotted ropes of emotions within him and they were starting to pollute his head.

"I can't let you go, again. I need to do this and this is the only way." Gon resumed, and the tone of his voice that was so heavy with emotions should have woke him up from his trance, should have brought him back to his senses. Instead, what struck him was the slightly trembling form of Gon as he suddenly embraced him, hugged him, held him like a lifeline.

"Gon..." Killua uttered softly. He was genuinely astonished by his friend's behavior that all his anger from before had completely disappeared. He could feel the grief and anxiety pouring from him.

In hindsight, Killua could sympathize with him. He had acknowledged his own misery of being apart from Gon before. They had bonded conscientiously only to yield into an unforeseen separation and he wanted nothing more than to go back to the days when they instinctively lived side by side. But to come to this point was beyond Killua's comprehension.

If Gon wanted him to stay, he would, with his own will. If he wanted Killua to be with him, he would, without forcing him. If his best friend needed him, he would reside with him. Therefore, Killua couldn't see why this was the only way for Gon.

"Gon, you don't have to do this. If you want me to stay, I will. There's no need for you to put a chain on me, I won't leave you." He stated cautiously, trying his best to get to the other teen.

When Gon broke the hug, his expression was far from Killua's grasp. It was like the silver-haired teen said something awfully wrong and unlawful. He was slightly shaking his head as his brows were wrinkling. "No, you don't understand Killua."

"I don't understand what, Gon?"

"I need to do this. I have to _have_ you." The raven-haired teen dropped it like a bomb with a tremor that prevented him to argue any further. The firm seriousness the teen held told Killua that there were no room for discussion. For Gon, this was really the only way and that was final.

* * *

The next few hours were hectic for Killua's mind. He needed to get to Gon, to break the fortification shutting him, to ease the feeling of insecurity and disquietude that had been eating him. He needed to put his rationality back to him. He needed to set things straight.

But, how?

Killua, of all people, was aware of how obstinate Gon could be. The flick of that strange blankness lurking behind those amber eyes wasn't helping either. If anything, it weakened his resolve to justify his viewpoint and opinions. It was like a warning that hindered him to delve deeper, farther and out of tranquility. Were it not for his own stubborn inwardness, he would've already succumb to this madness.

Eying the starting point of the chain restraining him, Killua went back to the room to examine the other end of it. At any rate, he couldn't view way further beneath the bed as the dark, murky aura welcomed him. He went stiff just as perceptions of terror veiled him. The sensation resembled the one he had during the time he was still unaware about the whole Nen thing, hence getting frightened by his brother's aura. It was blood-curling, to say the least, and he was concededly afraid of touching it.

The whole apparatus obstructing him was covered with a competently powerful Nen effective enough to rendered him helpless and vulnerable. He couldn't use his own Nen.

At the back of his mind, he already knew about this. After all, it only made sense that he had been feeling suffocated from the moment he woke up. His Nen had been sealed, trapped inside his body, and its intensity was enveloping him with acute asphyxia. It was getting out of control and it wanted out. It longed to let loose and desired release as much as Killua desired freedom.

Killua was close to tears when realization hit him. Gon planned this all along. He trained to be indomitable and even acquired this sort of adeptness just so he could keep Killua here. If this was another matter, Killua would've been proud of his best friend. Saying that it wasn't an easy task would be an understatement, but Gon managed to pull of it. It was unquestionably an advanced feat.

In spite all the amazement and admiration Killua had for Gon, he was still against the idea of being imprisoned here. He might be incapable of using his Nen but he was still proficient enough to utilize his expertise with his assassination techniques.

Through his peripheral vision, he intently watched Gon as the teen restlessly paced back and forth around the house. He could do it. The raven-haired was distracted enough, he could come to him. Easily manipulating his hand to metamorphose into a deadly weapon, Killua put his plans to action.

Sharp nails threatening to pierce through his throat stopped Gon's movements. Killua glared at him, registering Gon's expression that he had been waiting for this. His breath hitched the moment he perceived it. Of course, he did. Gon anticipated it, could feel it, could sense it. Gon knew Killua would try something like this and he didn't even bother dodging it, rather, he provided him an opening.

"Gon. Please." Killua gritted sternly, the anger from a while ago was coming alive again. He felt insulted and humiliated, but mostly, hurt. Gon was looking down on him. No, he made it possible to look down on him.

"Say something, or else... I'm really going to hurt you." Despite all his murderous intents, Killua received nothing but a nerve-wracking silence and it was driving him crazy. Gon didn't move a single muscle, didn't retract from the hand that could harm him and by the looks of it, Gon was giving Killua the upper hand, the consent to wound him, the permission to hurt him.

"Why?" With tears falling down his pale face, Killua asked as he unintentionally quivered. "Why is it okay for me to hurt you but not for you to free me? Gon, why?" He couldn't take it anymore. He gripped Gon's shirt as he lowered his head, wondering how it all became like this.

"Killua, I'm sorry." Gon spoke calmly as though he was talking to a child, patient and forbearing. He caressed both of Killua's cheeks and gently lifted his face to look at his eyes. "Killua, I love you." He said with full of sincerity that threw Killua in disarray.

Gon's mind was clouded with extreme possessiveness and selfishness that deterred him from holding his logical reasonings and Killua couldn't do anything but to cry.

* * *

The next three days, Killua shut himself in the room. As if being locked up in a house hidden somewhere wasn't enough as it was, he refused to move from his spot and closed all interactions with Gon. He rejected any kind of treatment and contact from the teen. He declined his offers and denied him the pleasantry he so desperately sought.

He was just sitting in the corner of the room with his knees touching his chest and his head drooping at his arms. He hadn't taken any sustenance, hadn't stretched his aching limbs, hadn't cracked a single, tiniest sound. It might seemed impossible but the torturous training he undertook before made it all feasible for him.

All he did for those three days was to think, to understand his situation. To really _think_ and _understand_.

Killua was sure he loved Gon. He wouldn't deny it, at some point, he was his everything. He was the light that saved him, that showed him the path to escape his darkest nightmares, that led him to find his own goal and dream. He was the key that helped him to open a new world, to trust and have faith, to learn how to depend on others and to appreciate the joy of companionship.

He was sure he loved Gon, really loved him to the point of selflessness. He was willing to do anything reckless, dangerous, risky just to prove his worth as a partner. He went to totally drastic measures, fought his own inner demons just to maintain their good relationship. He even thought of sacrificing his life, a feat and of itself, just to guarantee his safety. For Gon, Killua did things he never ever thought he could, _would_ , do.

He was sure he loved Gon, a love that was pure and full of deep, raw first-time-felt affection. He respected him highly, acknowledged his strengths, accepted his flaws. He was devoted to him and he was loyal. He adored him. He _loved_ him.

Killua was sure he loved Gon. But now, he wasn't sure anymore.

To put it simply, his feelings paled in comparison to Gon's. When Gon mentioned the word love, he tasted a weighty pressure from it, almost like a burden. He was unaware to what extent certain feelings could get. They were profound and bottomless. They were straightforward and unswerving. They were so greedy that Killua had to question his own sentiments.

 _'Killua, I love you.'_

The words kept repeating itself on his head. They were ringing loudly and they were blocking all his other thoughts. Admittedly, Killua believed Gon when he uttered them, he believed those words and now, they were binding him, keeping him tied to Gon, just like the shackles that were clinging to him, holding him back.

For the first time in three days, Killua glanced outside the room, not at all surprised to find Gon sitting gloomily, head propped down on the dining table. He was facing the other side so Killua couldn't see his expression but he could almost touch the tension that was as heavy as the corresponding sorrow.

Killua was never oblivious to the fact that he was Gon's follower. He couldn't, _wouldn't_ , go against Gon's words. He always agreed to his every whims, he consented to all his impulses, he complied to his craziest ideas, all the time, without a fail. Killua knew, when it came to Gon, he had it bad.

He wanted freedom. He wanted a life with no constrictions, no restraints. He wanted to be his own, unconfined and independent. But more than that, he wanted Gon.

Killua loved Gon. He loved him to the point of selflessness. He loved him, a love so pure and full of deep, raw first-time-felt affection. He _loved_ him.

Thus, it wasn't unforeseen for him to come up with this conclusion. He might had already predicted, if not outright sensed, his following actions. After all, his love, in contrary to Gon's, was self-sacrificing, undivided and soulful.

Feeling defeated, he moved his muscles at a leisurely pace and as soundlessly as possible, he drew near Gon.

"Gon." Killua hushed. His throat was dry and rough, but it didn't stop him from declaring his submission. "It's fine. I understand now."

Gon stirred up from his seat and slowly, unhurriedly lifted his head until he was face to face with Killua. He displayed an inquiring gesture but his features were by then showing hope. Killua swallowed and extinguished all the lingering hostility from before and offered Gon a small smile to assure him, to comfort him, and to give his life to him.

After three days of solitude, Killua wholeheartedly gave in and reconciled with his best friend and Gon's delightful grin and shining eyes kept him from regretting his decision.

* * *

Two months, three weeks and six days had passed since Killua and Gon reunited at Yorknew City subsequently after parting ways at the World Tree.

Two months, three weeks and six days had passed since Killua found himself locked up on this house, bound and secluded from the outside world.

Two months, three weeks and two days had passed since Killua surrendered and handed himself to Gon, questioning his own sanity in the process.

Two months, three weeks and two days had passed since Killua accepted the reality that he was just as fucked up as Gon, that his mind was as corrupted as Gon's, that he was as crazy for him as Gon was for Killua.

And for that two months, three weeks and two days, Killua was actually uncharacteristically glad that, at least, it was Gon who chained him, it was Gon who loved him.

 **...**

* * *

I'm accepting any forms of reaction, from calm and normal to bloody and trashy, just send me a review if you have some. Thanks a lot for checking it out!

 _p.s. oh. i love gon's insanity as much as i hate gon's insanity... haha nevermind. don't get me wrong, i love killua okay, really love him._


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